So have you ever had one of those days, weeks, months or year where things were coming at you from many different angles. It wasn’t just one specific thing and it wasn’t one specific situation. It was numerous things coming at you from numerous situations.
This would have been okay if it had been a rough day but this had been a rough couple of weeks. Anyone who struggles with anxiety or any type of disorders knows when you feel something coming on or you know your not your usual happy go lucky self. I knew I wasn’t feeling right today. Personally, I struggle with severe anxiety and agoraphobia.
I also help take care of my grandmother who has dementia and I help with raising my niece, she is 6. My sweet niece had the flu last week and was so sick. There is no other helpless feeling than when a loved especially, a little one, is sick or hurt and you can’t do anything about it. I am also in the process of getting my Bachelor’s degree and I had finals this week. Lot of studying and studying and studying.
Another zinger, it was found that a close family member’s boyfriend was not the kind of person we thought he was. Loved ones had thought they were helping this person but instead they were completely taken advantage of. There was a lot of confusion because this person had presented themselves as being completely different. #trust
Long story short it felt like things kept coming and coming. I survived finals, my niece recovered from the flu, the boyfriend issue was to be determined… I know how I would have already handled it but you have to trust your loved ones to handle things the best way they can, in a time when they are able to. So basically it all came down to a baby shower. We (my sister and I) received an invitation a couple of weeks ago in the mail to come to a friend’s baby shower. I was so excited I thought this was great. I love babies and I knew that this particular friend had struggled with so many trials and tribulations in the past. I crocheted a baby blanket for her (will upload pics on separate post). I just wanted this friend to know how much she meant to me, being the kind person she is. And the excitement I had for her starting this new journey in life as a mother.
What should have been a time of excitement and celebration turned into something different for me. I started to get distracted by everything going wrong in my life at the time. All of the different hats I needed to wear to be there for my loved ones were suddenly a burden instead of a privilege. Getting up this morning, the anxiety was the first thing I noticed. I felt distracted, anxious, irritable not at all my strong, capable, independent self. I felt the tide of a panic attack creeping upon. I was dressed and ready to go and my sister was waiting for me. I walked outside, just to be, for just a moment. I felt the panic attack crash down upon me. And I cried and panicked and cried probably for a good 15 minutes. I felt myself pleading with God, fill me with your light Lord, please give me the strength to get through this. It always surprises me afterwards, when I’m so disappointed in myself. I am such a strong woman, and I feel the weakest when I have had a really bad panic attack.
But that is what the enemy wants us to think. He wants us to think that we are alone, and that no one understands. If we think we are freaks, losers, and somebody that nobody cares about, we are easier to manipulate, beat down and ostracize from the happy lives that God has in store for us. But we aren’t those things. Everyone struggles with their individual burdens everyday. Everyone knows what it feels like to be alone, like no one cares or understands but its NOT TRUE. You aren’t alone, people DO CARE and YOU are important. God does NOT make mistakes. You are here for a reason. You can use your trials, tribulations, and burdens as a way to help and encourage those who are going through the same thing everyday.
I believe that we are given a space of time here, to leave a mark, to make a difference. What are you going to do with your time? I want to use the time I have to be an encouragement to others. Yes, I’m weird, quirky, I have a really weird sense of humor, and an obsession with organizing things. But I’m proud of all of the odd things that make me, well Me. As difficult as anxiety is, it’s what makes me more compassionate, humble, and caring of those who struggle around me. If I didn’t struggle with this disorder I wouldn’t understand how it could be possible for someone to be fighting an inner battle that no one knows anything about, but I do know. I’m grateful for the things I struggle with because it makes me stronger, just like it makes YOU stronger.
Later on tonight when I saw my sister she said I got something for you today. I felt I had been through the ringer, it had been such a long day and I was pleasantly surprised. I felt like I had let myself down by allowing my anxiety to control things I did and did not do in my life. She gave me this little bundle wrapped in tissue paper and said “When I saw this I thought of you”. I opened the tissue paper and saw a necklace with a medallion at the bottom. It had the verse Psalm 91:4 “He will cover you with his feathers and under his wings you will find refuge”. I started crying and kept crying while thanking her. This was what I needed to hear. God is here, ready to give refuge from life’s storms if only I will turn to Him. If only I would give him these worries, concerns, and burdens that seem so important to me all of the time. But doesn’t He understand I have to make sure these things get handled? Doesn’t He see that I need to be able to control these things because there were times when I didn’t have control? If feels like God’s saying “Don’t you see the many things you try to oversee, control and manage are already being overseen, controlled, and managed by Me?” How can God shoulder my burdens for me if I won’t let them go? By trying to hold on to this belief that somehow I can control all these things I’m overwhelming myself and stretching myself too thin. Think of everything you have to worry about make a list of all of the people, issues, heartbreak you have in your mind and imagine how heavy it is to carry all of these burdens with you everyday. I don’t know about you but it makes me feel tired, overwhelmed and small. Now imagine taking all your burdens and giving them to God. You can’t fix everything, you can’t be everyone to everybody and you can’t control everything. You can only do what you can do and that’s okay. Give your burdens, every single one of them to God. Now imagine yourself without those burdens. How do you feel now? I feel free and lighter. I feel like I’ve found refuge.
I hope that this post has brought some encouragement to someone. Maybe it made you think about things from a different perspective. Whether its you or a loved one struggling with something, you are not alone. You are important, you are loved and you are strong. Until next time, I bid you adieu. I hope everyone that reads this has a blessed week. How about I’ll pray for you and you pray for me 🙂 until next time, Jacqulenne